Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I supernannyed him into submission
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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