im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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