someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
