Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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