my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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