there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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