"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
