Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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