I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
