dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
