Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
