ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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