I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize