I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
