we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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