Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
