I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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