ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
