when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
