If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize