she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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