Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
