someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
i think my cat just said my name.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
