Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Randomize
