Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
