the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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