So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
