I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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