I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
