i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
