I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
this just has baby written all over it
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
