I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
