I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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