how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
