I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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