I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
