I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
