If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
too bad you live with your parents still
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
