At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
