I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
