Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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