I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
