I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
