My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize