Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
