How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
