do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize