just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
