My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
