So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
