Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My ass is underappreciated
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
