Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
