Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
MIDGETS
????
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
