I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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