My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
