you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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