I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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