Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
